Healthy vs Controlling Boundaries
Distinguishing between safe, respectful, healthy boundaries and controlling boundaries is important for fostering positive, respectful relationships. The following indicators and this infographic (click image below) can help you make that distinction:
Download: Healthy vs. Controlling Boundaries
When Statements Are Coercion Disguised as a Boundary
In relationships, statements that seem used to set boundaries can sometimes mask subtle forms of control. For instance, phrases like “I need you to tell me where you are and who you’re with at all times,” or “I have a boundary around honesty; you must always tell me everything, otherwise, I can’t trust you,” may appear to set personal limits but actually seek to control the other person’s behavior or actions. Likewise, “I respect your independence, but I’ll need you to adjust your behavior to make me feel more comfortable” quietly imposes control under the guise of boundary-setting.
Recognizing these intentionally indirect control tactics can help you maintain safer, healthier, more respectful relationships.
More Examples of Controlling Statements
A few more examples of disguised coercion as controlling statements masquerading as boundaries follow:
“I can’t be with someone who has [either male or female] friends; it makes me uncomfortable.”
“I’m prioritizing my mental health, so it’s my boundary that you can’t have your mother visit.”
“I expect you to change your behavior to make me feel more secure.”
“You’re not allowed to hang out with your friends without letting me know first.”
“You need to check in with me before making any decisions.”
“That’s my boundary; you can’t have any secrets from me.”
“I can’t accept it when you spend time away from me; it triggers my abandonment issues.”
Some of these statements may seem “normal” and healthy, and you may have made some of them in the past. The reality is that when voiced, these and similar statements are used to control the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions of the person receiving the message. The sleight of hand is simple: “I’m concerned for your safety and well-being,” but the goal is control and dominance.
Recognizing when boundaries become controlling and striving for mutual respect, autonomy, and healthy communication in relationships is imperative. Be mindful of manipulative wordplay and strive for healthy, respectful boundaries in all relationships. Remember, this kind of control doesn’t happen only in the private confines of our homes and with our partners. It can happen in parent/child, teacher/student, supervisor/worker, or in individuals with dominant/demure personalities.